My Village

We are all the same

2011-03-14T10:09:00.001-07:00

I am a judgmental person. It's a fact. I struggle with giving people the benefit of the doubt. I have a hard time forgiving and I turn my nose down at people far too often.

And then I screw up.

We are all the same. Big mistakes and little mistakes are all the same. No matter who you are, or what you've done--we are all worth the same amount: worth more to God than we could ever imagine.

I suddenly feel that the real litmus test of humility, of truly being sorry for a mistake and facing our fallenness in its fullest, is if we can view others who have done "worse" things as peers, equals and fellow fighters trying to live this life the best we can.

Easier said than done? Definitely.

Old Faith

2011-03-11T12:27:00.001-08:00

This morning I led a photo shoot of a few older YMCA members at the Langara Family YMCA. I must admit, they have inspired me.

Erwin, centre, is from Germany. He fought in WWII, snuck into YMCA's across the world banned by Hitler, moved to Vancouver 30 years ago and pastored a church here for a few decades. Now, every morning at 6:45 a.m., Erwin and his friends get together to sing, pray and eat--with a little laughter in between.

As I listened to them sing "Great is thy Faithfulness" in English and Chinese, I was struck by the lives these individuals must have behind them. Lives of a facing struggle--Hitler!--or moving to a new country, making ends meet, learning a new language and culture and all the additional pain that any one of us may meet in our lifetime: disease, broken relationships, death, mental illness, etc.

Regardless of how they have chosen to live--their past, their choices, and their challenges--the people I saw today are titans of faith. People still singing praises and beginning each day in the midst of a community of friends doing life together after decades of life. I hope I can be just like that someday.

He Wastes Nothing

2011-03-10T13:24:00.000-08:00

I was watching Rob Bell's "Drops Like Stars" last week and found it really encouraging. Everyone looking to find God in pain should watch it--which is likely all of us since we all experience trouble at some point or another.

While there were many takeaways, the one that is sticking with me today is the truth that "God wastes nothing". Days of sadness, conversations of miscommunication-filled confusion, time spent sinning, friendships gone wrong and mistakes--big mistakes--that seem to only cause heartbreak....all of it is used by God to make me into what he wants me to become. All of it is used to glorify him, redeemed from the ugliest of ugly and made beautiful. While I believe this today, believing it for specific mistakes and situations is definitely more difficult.

Lucky for me, regardless of whether I believe it at all times, it's true.

For I Am Weak

2011-02-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about weakness lately. What it is, what role it plays in the Christian life and, mostly, how it feels.

I am a strong person. I think that most people that know me would say this about me. Unfortunately that’s not always a good thing, even though the world would most certainly say it is a sign of true character.

In my case, it impedes me. Makes me a slug full of her own self-righteousness. It goes much farther than thinking that I don’t “need” God. It actually makes it so I seemingly don’t need him or, rather, it shields me from developing the real nature that God created me to have so I would need him. The nature of being able to bring him glory.

A nature that doesn’t know what to do. That doesn’t know what to say. That isn’t sure what will happen next and is terrified at the possibilities. That doesn’t know the answer. That is open to being wrong. To being weak. To losing.

My autopilot is strength. I know the answer, duh…don’t you?

A study from HBR revealed recently that people are more likely to trust information from experts when they also outline their uncertainties. I like this study. It shows that people prefer truth more than strength, and prefer humanity over superhuman confidence. They've also found that people in workplaces almost never use the phrases, "I don't know", "I was wrong" and "I'm sorry". Sounds like I'm not alone.

For some hilariously ironic reason I think God should be doing something different with me right now. Changing me faster, healing me more deeply, convicting me more strongly and making me into more of what I think I need to be. But that’s just me again, being strong and knowing what to do.

I don’t know how to be weak. I don’t know how to stop trying to understand things, to stop figuring out what to do. But I guess that’s it right there—not knowing and being okay with that. Sitting in that discomfort and just being. Believing that God knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it.

Relying. Trusting. Admitting. Surrendering.

I like poetry.

2010-08-25T22:08:00.000-07:00

This girl’s gonna ditch her rustic frolic, this girl so wants back to bright light big box open late lurchy bus people shout car siren city siren three a.m. car car six screen butter popcorn new release people people busker nightschool swim class take-out pizza art show book club bike lane Chinatown wants to sit down Friday night half-caf latte frothy lip foam run mouth poet in every chair at the open mike read to me read to me read to me café.

— Rhonda Ganz

I was ten years old the year Chernobyl burned, the very same year that Expo ’86 came to Vancouver and the city changed forever. For I will always think of China, the China pavilion to be exact, each time these years later I pass the China Gate at Dr. Sun Yat-Sen’s Classical Chinese Gardens. We were moving then, all of us, from one place to another. Now, I’m haunted by the SkyTrain doors’ perfect open fifth, then that smooth electronic contralto programmed to reassure one rides the Expo Line to Waterfront Station. That line stretches out behind us: concrete contrails left over from ’86. Eighty-six, the year Chernobyl burned hot as the centre of the earth, the sun, and men hurried in.

— Elizabeth Bachinsky

I want to ask poetry where it was for all those years. Where was it when I chain-smoked my way through Vancouver bingo parlours and where was it when I traded my Penguin classics for True Crime stories? I want to ask it about waitressing in Chinese restaurants and slinging beer in Indian bars and about hitch-hiking and smoking dope and seeing the prairies for the first time. I want to ask about underground rivers and the homelessness of rain and how it knows what it knows and why it knows so much more than I do. I want to ask poetry where it goes when it disappears and if it was there when I shot pool and crashed in cheap hotels in small towns across the country. I want to ask it why it drew me close and then let go and if it led me to the dying as a way to keep me alive.

— Eve Joseph

From "Poetry In Transit"

Photo by Trevor Meier

We Are More

2010-02-13T00:39:00.000-08:00

We Are More

by Shane Koyczan

When defining Canada

you might list some statistics

you might mention our tallest building

or biggest lake

you might shake a tree in the fall

and call a red leaf Canada

you might rattle off some celebrities

might mention Buffy Sainte-Marie

might even mention the fact that we've got a few

Barenaked Ladies

or that we made these crazy things

like zippers

electric cars

and washing machines

when defining Canada

it seems the world's anthem has been

" been there done that"

and maybe that's where we used to be at

it's true

we've done and we've been

we've seen

all the great themes get swallowed up by the machine

and turned into theme parks

but when defining Canada

don't forget to mention that we have set sparks

we are not just fishing stories

about the one that got away

we do more than sit around and say "eh?"

and yes

we are the home of the Rocket and the Great One

who inspired little number nines

and little number ninety-nines

but we're more than just hockey and fishing lines

off of the rocky coast of the Maritimes

and some say what defines us

is something as simple as please and thank you

and as for you're welcome

well we say that too

but we are more

than genteel or civilized

we are an idea in the process

of being realized

we are young

we are cultures strung together

then woven into a tapestry

and the design

is what makes us more

than the sum total of our history

we are an experiment going right for a change

with influences that range from a to zed

and yes we say zed instead of zee

we are the colours of Chinatown and the coffee of Little Italy

we dream so big that there are those

who would call our ambition an industry

because we are more than sticky maple syrup and clean snow

we do more than grow wheat and brew beer

we are vineyards of good year after good year

we reforest what we clear

because we believe in generations beyond our own

knowing now that so many of us

have grown past what used to be

we can stand here today

filled with all the hope people have

when they say things like "someday"

someday we'll be great

someday we'll be this

or that

someday we'll be at a point

when someday was yesterday

and all of our aspirations will pay the way

for those who on that day

look towards tomorrow

and still they say someday

we will reach the goals we set

and we will get interest on our inspiration

because we are more than a nation of whale watchers and lumberjacks

more than backpacks and hiking trails

we are hammers and nails building bridges

towards those who are willing to walk across

we are the lost-and-found for all those who might find themselves at a loss

we are not the see-through gloss or glamour

of those who clamour for the failings of others

we are fathers brothers sisters and mothers

uncles and nephews aunts and nieces

we are cousins

we are found missing puzzle pieces

we are families with room at the table for newcomers

we are more than summers and winters

more than on and off seasons

we are the reasons people have for wanting to stay

because we are more than what we say or do

we live to get past what we go through

and learn who we are

we are students

students who study the studiousness of studying

so we know what as well as why

we don't have all the answers

but we try

and the effort is what makes us more

we don't all know what it is in life we're looking for

so keep exploring

go far and wide

or go inside but go deep

go deep

as if James Cameron was filming a sequel to The Abyss

and suddenly there was this location scout

trying to figure some way out

to get inside you

because you've been through hell and high water

and you went deep

keep exploring

because we are more

than a laundry list of things to do and places to see

we are more than hills to ski

or countryside ponds to skate

we are the abandoned hesitation of all those who can't wait

we are first-rate greasy-spoon diners and healthy-living cafes

a country that is all the ways you choose to live

a land that can give you variety

because we are choices

we are millions upon millions of voices shouting

" keep exploring... we are more"

we are the surprise the world has in store for you

it's true

Canada is the "what" in "what's new?"

so don't say "been there done that"

unless you've sat on the sidewalk

while chalk artists draw still lifes

on the concrete of a kid in the street

beatboxing to Neil Young for fun

don't say you've been there done that

unless you've been here doing it

let this country be your first-aid kit

for all the times you get sick of the same old same old

let us be the story told to your friends

and when that story ends

leave chapters for the next time you'll come back

next time pack for all the things

you didn't pack for the first time

but don't let your luggage define your travels

each life unravels differently

and experiences are what make up

the colours of our tapestry

we are the true north

strong and free

and what's more

is that we didn't just say it

we made it be.

Oh

2010-02-01T18:01:00.000-08:00

I should have started counting a decade ago the number of times I realize that a truth I believed to be so true, wasn't.

The most recent revelation was triggered by Larry Crabb's book The Pressure's Off--a brilliant look at the Christian life that, quite frankly, knocked me off my feet.

What I've realized is that there are two ways to live: the Old Way and the New Way. The old way is linear: A + B = C. This way is motivated by a desire for blessings, spending my time finding out the action I need to take in order to get what I want. I am fairly certain that I spend 99.9% of my life working that way, trying to find out what I need to do, doing it and then believing that this entitles me to get what I want.

The New Way is the way of the Spirit, a way of living for one thing: God. Wanting him more than blessings is my new second-by-second challenge. Ask yourself: do you want God more than a good marriage or relationship? Do you want God more than being healthy? Do you want God more than you want to be happy? More than a successful career?

If I'm honest, I have to say that most of the time I certainly don't. Most of the time I am working to reduce stress, to love my man better, to be fit, to succeed at work, to talk to the right people, at the right time, about the right things. And then comes the tipping point--the moment I realize that it is all futile, that our actions most often don't produce the results we want and, even if they do, we are still unhappy. exhausted. ticked.

It's actually kind've hilarious how entitled I can get, expecting God to produce the results I want because I've done the so-called actions to make it happen. The funny thing is that I know that this isn't how God works. So why do I keep trying so hard to make life work?

Because I think I know better than God. If I'm really honest, that is how I think.

Drawing near to God is the ultimate. Living to know God is it. End stop. Suddenly freedom is just a little closer. Rest and peace is a dim and distant, but possible reality. But they aren't promised. I have to be careful not to fall back into the linear way of thinking--drawing near to God so that I get the blessings I want. The only thing God promises is that we will know him better, eventually.

This is my new challenge: wanting God more than what I want in life. Some days its easier and I feel a freedom I've not had before. Some days I forget about the goal entirely, and then realize at the end of the day that I've lost my footing. Most days its hard and seemingly impossible.

But I do know that its the right, real thing to do. I know that because of the feeling in my heart when I am drawing near to God, because of the freedom that feels possible. And, if I ever do want God more than everything else, it will be a true miracle.

Once in a while a new truth changes everything. This is one of those times.

Intense Concentration

2009-12-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Jonathan Edwards once said that the spiritual journey requires an "intense concentration on God's point of view." Such concentration, he said, will "cause an intense narrowing of all our interests on earth, and an immense broadening of our interests in heaven." - Closer Walk, by Jonathan Edwards.

Art

2009-11-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

Art is only art when you know it really well.

Apart

2009-11-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

"A cynic is just someone with a broken heart. Things tear apart, and the easiest response is to tear something else down."

~ Jon Foreman

To Accept Grace is to Admit Failure

2009-10-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

From Max Lucado's "In the Eye of the Storm":

If only, when God smiles and says we are saved, we'd salute him, thank him, and live like those who have just received a gift from the commander in chief.

We seldom do that, though. We prefer to get salvation the old-fashioned way: We earn it. To accept grace is to admit failure, a step we are hesitant to take. We opt to impress God with how good we are rather than confessing how great he is. We dizzy ourselves with doctrine. Burden ourselves with rules. Think that God will smile on our efforts.

He doesn't.

God's smile is not for the healthy hiker who boasts that he made the journey alone. It is, instead, for the crippled leper who begs God for a back on which to ride.

Saturday

2009-09-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Because that is what love does

2009-09-18T13:06:00.000-07:00

“Why do you love someone who is such a screw-up? After all the things I’ve felt in my heart toward you and all the accusations I made, why would you even bother to keep trying to get through to me?”

“Because that is what love does,” answered Papa. “Remember, Mackenzie, I don’t wonder what you will do or what choices you will make. I already know. Let’s say, for example, I am trying to teach you how not to hide inside of lies, hypothetically of course.” she said with a wink. “And let’s say that I know it will take you forty-seven situations and events before you will actually hear me—that is, before you will hear clearly enough to agree with me and change. So when you don’t hear me the first time, I’m not frustrated or disappointed, I’m thrilled. Only forty-six more times to go. And that first time will be a building block to construct a bridge of healing that one day-that today—you will walk across.”

~ The Shack, by WM. Paul Young

What I See Are People

2009-09-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

"It is a picture of my bride, the Church: individuals who together form a spiritual city with a living river flowing through the middle, and on both shores trees growing with fruit that will heal the hurt and sorrows of the nations. And this city is always open, and each gate into it is made of a single pearl..." He opened one eye and looked at Mack. "That would be me!" He saw Mack's question and explained, "Pearls, Mack. The only precious stone made by pain, suffering and--finally--death."

"I get it. You are the way in, but--" Mack paused, searching for the right words. "You're talking about the church as this woman you're in love with; I'm pretty sure I haven't met her." He turned away slightly. "She's not the place I go on Sundays," Mack said more to himself, unsure if that was safe to say out loud.

"Mack, that's because you're only seeing the institution, a man-made system. That's not what I came to build. What I see are people and their live, a living breathing community of all those who love me, not building and programs."

Mack was a bit taken aback to hear Jesus talking about "church" this way, but then again, it didn't really surprise him. It was a relief. "So how do I become part of that church?" he asked. "This woman you seem to be so gaga over."

"It's simple, Mack." It's all about relationships and simply sharing life. What we are doing right now--just doing this--and being open and available to others around us. My church is all about people and life is all about relationships. You can't build it. It's my job and I'm actually pretty good at it."

~ The Shack, WM . Paul Young

Just a little bit

2009-09-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

"The darkness hides the true size of fears and lies and regrets," Jesus explained. " The truth is they are more shadow than reality, so they seem bigger in the dark. When the light shines into the places they live inside you, you start to see them for what they are."

"But why do we keep all that crap inside?" Mack asked.

"Because we believe it's safer there. And, sometimes, when you're a kid trying to survive, it really is safer there. Then you grow up on the outside, but on the inside you're still that kid in the dark cave surrounded by monsters, and out of habit you keep adding to your collection. We all collect things we value, you know?"

"So, how does that change, you know, for somebody who's lost in the dark like me?" said Mack.

"Most often, pretty slowly," Jesus answered. "Remember, you can't do it alone. Some folks try with all kinds of coping mechanisms and mental games. But the monsters are still there, just waiting for the chance to come out."

"So what do I do now?"

"What you're already doing, Mack, learning to live loved. It's not an easy concept for humans. You have a hard time sharing anything." He chuckled and continued. "So, yes, what we desire is for you to 're-turn' to us, and then we come and make our home inside you, and then we share. The friendship is not real, not merely imagined. We're meant to experience this life, your life, together, in a dialogue, sharing the journey. You get to share in our wisdom and learn to love with our love, and we get....to hear you grumble and grip and complain, and..." :)

...

Jesus said: "Let me show you. Just keep giving me the little bit you have, and together we'll watch it grow."

~ "The Shack", by WM. Paul Young.

To the Full

2009-09-03T15:06:00.001-07:00

Yearly Ritual

2009-09-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

I don't have many rituals. One that I do have is going to Butter Baked Goods on Dunbar every year when I renew my car insurance. They no longer make my cookie of choice - the raspberry dream - but there is always something fitting to celebrate yet another year gone past.

Do you know that I love you?

2009-08-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

"You cannot produce trust, just as you cannot “do” humility. It either is or is not. Trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. Because you do not know that I love you, you cannot trust me."

~ The Shack, by WM. Paul Young.

The Only Way Out is In

2009-08-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

To study God--to really study God or spend time with him--is to study one's self.

I have seen a counsellor for years. I'll often bring up my complaints of God with my counsellor and she never lets the conversation stay there. She always brings it back to me, my life now and my childhood. Through this I've learned countless things, things that--if I look at them closely--reveal my belief or lack thereof in God. The choices I make each day, the panic I feel, the anger I harbour at life and people: all of it points to God.

It is odd--and maddening--for me to hear Christians criticize or look down upon Psychology. How can you criticize the practice of something that is so undeniably connected to who God is? He created us, our minds, our hearts and our emotions. So why would the self-study of us be a bad thing?

Because it's painful.

Finding out what you really believe can be awful. Uncovering who you really are is worse. But, as someone I know always says, "the only way out is in."

Nothing else in my life has come close to revealing more about God than psychology has. Seeing a counsellor, investigating the pain deep down, seeing life-experiences for what they really are--these things point me to God.

Now I'll be honest: they also point me away from Him. But, after running fast and long away and feeling worse and worse, I am forced to run back.

Now this takes much more than me...thinking. It takes others. There are a handful of people in my life that keep me 'in' - fighting for more. They keep me running and ask me questions I couldn't dream of posing on my own. Sure - they make me want to take boxing lessons too, but it's for my own good and ultimately for my world's own good. But just like the only way out, I also have to let them in.

I used to be jealous of people that don't seem to need any deep help. You know who they are. They don't have big questions and have no need for big answers.

But now I know that they are actually missing out.

Where You Are

2009-06-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

If you can be unhappy anywhere, can you be happy anywhere?

My Insides Are Awake

2009-06-13T00:47:00.000-07:00

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.

- Carl Jung

Why So Ironic?

2009-06-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

I read an article in Relevant Magazine recently on the nature of our generation being uncharacteristically sarcastic and culturally ironic:

"There are reasons for our embrace of irony. We grew up in a world where earnestness failed us. Cold Wars were waged very sincerely, ideologies were bandied about with the best of intentions. Our parents married and divorced in all earnestness, and wide swaths of American homes were devastated by the sort of domestic disharmony that shattered any pretension of white-picket-fence-perfection. Meanwhile, we grew up in a constant flux of advertising and brand messaging. The conglomerates cornered the markets, the ad agencies figured us out and MTV sucked our souls dry. But we also became savvy, and with the Internet and all the wiki-democratization it offered, it became easier to see through the charades of various culture industries and power-wielding hegemonies. Flaws were exposed, seedy schemes revealed amid the formerly shrouded machinations of "the man." Nothing was sacred anymore, and all was ridiculous." - by Brett McCracken, The Rise of the Ironic Class, Relevant Magazine, May-June 2009

Waiting 'til it hurts

2009-05-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

I've been having problems with my back for the past two years. Initiated by years of computer work and stress, the pain can often get to the point where I am nauseous and have a headache that simply won't go away.

The funny thing is that I know the solution: do my stretches regularly and exercise to strengthen my core.

But I wait. I don't do my stretches or strengthen my core. I live counting on the fact that I feel good now, so I'll feel good later. When the pain comes, I then get frustrated and angry, wondering why I am 'chosen' the be the one in so much pain.

I'd like to say that my back pain is the only case of this controlled ignorant invincibility. It isn't.

I've realized lately that, in so many things, I change only when it hurts. I get up in the morning, make my coffee, and then choose to watch TV during breakfast over reading my bible because 'I'm okay today'. I then work all day, never stopping to pray or rest to hear God because today is a good day and I 'don't need him' or am 'okay on my own.'

Then I break. It's been building the whole time--pangs of fear, pride, anger or whatever, that show up throughout each hour. And it wasn't painful, so I didn't notice it, never mind talk to God about it.

I'm realizing that that there are prompts in my day that I ignore: prompts that say "all is not well in this moment." I need to listen to those prompts because that is God in me saying, "hey, you need me now....not just later."

It's time to do those stretches now, to strengthen my core when it doesn't hurt, no matter how inconvenient it feels at the time. Sure, that doesn't mean I can avoid pain altogether. But it does mean that God is in everything, trying to give me what I need in every instance, even when I ignore him.

I know this is a lesson I'll spend the rest of my life trying to learn.

Branding Alberta

2009-04-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

This must've been a fun, but hard, branding project:

I think it is spot on. The orange colour reminds me of the golden wheat fields and somehow fits Alberta's western flair. The script is active, yet not too feminine for such a stereotypically masculine province. And the tagline is so true to the spirit of Albertan life. In classic "go big or go home" gusto, the provincial government is spending $25 million dollars for the project.

As a former Calgarian, I just might salute the initiative and go put on my cowboy hat.

Official Royalty

2009-03-21T11:15:00.000-07:00

Have you played today?

2009-03-15T13:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit of a geek when it comes to child psychology. I find it fascinating. My love for it all started when I read a book about the impact of no-fault divorce legislation on children. The book covered the results of a study of a controlled group of kids of divorced parents over the course of 25 years. It also compared those results with that of children who grew up with unhappy parents that stay together.

A great new documentary, called "The Lost Adventures of Childhood", covers the role and impact of play - both free and structured - on child development. It's pretty amazing.

Free play (without parents, engaged supervisors, rules or structure) allows children to be themselves, take risks, experience uncertainty, get hurt, learn cooperation, be creative and try new things. Structured play, when the only type of play in a child's life, has been so organized that it is maturing children too early. This includes organized sport and clubs that are so intensive that it emulates the responsibilities of an adult. This creates followers rather than leaders, forces children to be the same or risk losing out, and stunts their ability to succeed later in life.

I remember playing freely as a kid all the time. In fact, many of us who did likely have dozens of stories that are retold by their parents today about how we played. Stories that are funny now because they are uncannily similar to who we are today. My family's unfinished basement, in fact, became three businesses over the span of two weeks when I was home from school recovering from an appendectomy. A grocery store, a bank and a law firm. I made my sister into the stock girl, customer or client and played for hours. Bossy, enterprising, creative and oddly organized. Sound familiar?

Check out the documentary if you can. I can't find when it is showing again, but hopefully it will reappear. And, more importantly, don't get sucked into everything that modern child rearing is today. Some of its structure is good, of course. But a lot of it isn't. When you have kids, let them be....kids. I feel lucky that my parents did.

Good News

2009-03-11T18:18:00.001-07:00

No - no new job yet. But one of my favorite--and thought no longer--Vancouver events is back.

AND we've got a new radio station coming our way.

It's great to see some commercial growth happening when so many companies are feeling the pinch...or, if I may, the punch.

Ya gotta love it...

2009-02-24T18:44:00.001-08:00

Ya gotta love the social media revolution. I've been debating the merits of this new medium with friends a lot lately. I've decided that, when you are a smart and responsible person that watches the potential disadvantages, there really aren't many downfalls to it....especially when you are job hunting.

I've been featured on a acquaintance's blog this past week. Catherine Ducharme leads Outsidein Communications--a strategic brand and communications company. Thanks to Peter Reek, I met Catherine for about 10 seconds once and saved her business card. I've always admired her from afar and watched what projects she led. She then got my networking, do-you-know-of-any-job-opportunities e-mail, and suddenly she's helping me out and I'm helping her out. Her "employer branding" blog now uses me as an example of today's job seeker. While I am that 20-something person for only 37 more days, I hope that I'll always be a smart and savvy professional, and I'm eternally thankful for the nod and the help.

Ya also gotta love the "shout out" encouraging strangers that pop up every so often. I've just returned from my late afternoon run. About 20 feet from leaving my apartment to start, a woman passed me on the sidewalk. She saw my running attire and shouted, "Good! Yes!" I laughed out loud because I am usually that "weird" person. I often don't usually have the guts to shout it out. I liked it so much that maybe I'll just have the guts next time.

When there is so much not to love right now--the economy, the street violence and those tax forms on your desk--it's sweet to love the simple things. Not as a pep talk in the hopes of drumming up warm fuzzies. But rather to love and express the little things you really feel lift your spirits. Ya gotta love it.

The Extremes

2009-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

I've always been an extreme person. I'm either blissfully happy or completely depressed. I either clean my whole apartment or I don't clean it at all. I love a job or I hate it. I either love you or would rather not know you at all. I either relish the fact that I'm an extreme person or deny it completely.

The funny thing is that I've also always been fascinated by dichotomy's, and often find peace in believing they are true. If one were to look at this blog or my journals over the years they would see that I use the word dichotomy a lot--usually when I've had a revelation of some kind. Which makes life damn confusing. I'm an extremist in a grey world.

An extremist in the non-fundamental, anti-unibomber, ticked-off-at-Pat Robertson kind of way that is.

One of my favorite quotes:

"And though all the winds of doctrine were let loose to play upon the earth, so Truth be in the field, we do injuriously by licensing and prohibiting to misdoubt her strength. Let her and falsehood grapple; who ever knew Truth put to the worse in a free and open encounter." (John Milton's "Areopagitica", 1644)

Truth and lies are extremes, but they have to both exist in their extremes in order to have any value, or, ironically, truth to their existence.

My write-up in my university yearbook summed up the dichotomy's of lessons learned:

Wait on God, go with your gut

Be independent, permit vulnerability

Say yes, set boundaries

Take risks, we are all just people

Choose joy, live honestly

Confidence determines opportunity, humility breathes freedom

Rest.

I have come to a few conclusions that will spur on to more conclusions, as conclusions always do.

I've been studying the topic of pain lately. It's biology, how it interplay's with pleasure and how God interacts with it. I've concluded that pain is necessary for pleasure, that we can't avoid pain and that I spend most of my time trying to avoid it or fearing I won't be able to. I'm still 0.1% into this study, but so far I really do believe that pain has to be reality in order for pleasure to be reality. I can't live in either extreme. I actually am forced to live with both. A dichotomy I'm not thankful for yet, but know is true.

After all:

"What is it, therefore, that goes on within the would, since it takes greater delight in things that it loves are found are found or restored to it than if it had always possessed them?" (Augustine's Confessions)

Forced Free Will

2009-02-11T14:59:00.000-08:00

There have been a few times in my life when I've felt like God was making it impossible for me to be able to do anything, except what he wants me to do. This is one of those times.

I've been really sick for the past week or so while I've been hunting for jobs, networking and planning and researching what I will do next in my professional career. First a cold, which was bad, but manageable. Then came pink eye, or eyes, which was far less manageable. Then came a solid 12 hours of construction in my building which might as well have been in my own living room. It was so loud I couldn't hear anything but the drilling.

These external arguably minor challenges mirrored the frustrations I have been feeling and thinking for far longer than this week--about the world, God and myself.

I've discovered over the past two years who I really am, not who I think I am or want to be. But who I really am. A lot of that has to do with really honest people around me telling me what is--people I respect and can't ignore.

This process has been hard. So hard that it has made me question what I thought I believed. Unfortunately, or fortunately, this has resulted in a great deal of anger towards God.

"Why the heck did he create the world like this?

I'd arrive at unsatisfying answers every time. I'd try to talk to God about these questions, but found myself getting more and more angry, and farther away from him. Until this week.

This week I've found that my feelings of need are stronger than my questions. That my anger, while still there, is more quiet than the loud and unavoidable evidence of anger that is all around me.

And so I am forced to freely choose to believe. To believe that God is the answer to my need and to believe that He welcomes my questions. Sure, I've always known this. But today I feel it.

Back on the external front, I've also surrendered. Fine, I'm sick. So I'll stop and rest. I am forced to lay down and sleep, read or just stare. I am forced to stop the hunt and rest, knowing that God has a surprise for me in my next steps, a surprise that will still come whether I send out my resume this week or not.

Why forced? While I can choose whatever "solution" I want, I still know that Jesus is the answer - no matter how angry at him I might be. So, I am forced to freely rest and heal. I am forced to freely go to God with my angry questions.

Here is a great quote I just found...

"The symptoms and the illness are not the same thing. The illness exists long before the symptoms. Rather than being the illness, the symptoms are the beginning of its cures. The fact that they are unwanted makes them all the more a phenomenon of grace--a gift of God, a message from the unconscious, if you will, to initiate self-examination and repair." - M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled

Resigned to Naivete

2009-02-01T14:26:00.001-08:00

I've never been a mid-way kind of girl. I dive deep. I don't know how to do anything any other way. I buy into the story, drink the kool-aid and then sell it. Every - single - time.

And every time I believe that it won't change, that the loyalty, that the commitment and the investment won't ever be lost. And then it happens, again.

I was recently laid off from my job. For almost two years I believed in the company's vision, gave almost all my time, and definitely all my passion to that team. And moments after finding out, suddenly all that blood and sweat is all put into a box that goes into storage, seemingly forgotten.

I remember someone sending me this quote by John Wooden a very long time ago: "It is better to trust and be disappointed occasionally than to distrust and be miserable all the time."

So I'll dive deep again. I'm probably lucky that I don't know how to do it any other way. I'll believe that something won't ever die. Just so I can live all of life, trust people and trust that my work always is for something, not nothing. Sometimes naivete is best.

My One Resolve

2009-01-10T16:11:00.000-08:00

"I found a seat under an orange tree and opened one of the poetry books I'd purchased yesterday. Louise Gluck. I read the first poem in Italian, then in English, and stopped short at this line:

Dal centro della mia vita venne una grande fontana...

"From the center of my life, there came a great fountain..."

- Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat Pray Love".

Italy, here I come.

Huh?

2009-01-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

How do you be strong, build relationships and get things done at work all at the same time?

Does building working relationships require a softness and intuition that only certain personalities have?

Do you need to be goal-free in conversations to show you care?

Working Women

2008-12-11T12:08:00.000-08:00

Here is an article that touches on something I think about a lot: gender in the executive workplace...

Starting Up Women

By Alana Conner

Hidden inside most people’s minds is the belief that Warren and Bill should start businesses, but Oprah and Martha should not. This subtle, yet culture-wide association between maleness and entrepreneurship discourages women from launching their own start-ups, research shows.

Yet a new psychological study finds that “we can encourage more women to open businesses just by changing the way we talk about entrepreneurship,” says Vishal K. Gupta, an assistant professor at the Binghamton University School of Management and the study’s lead author. “You don’t have to do anything dramatic. Just make sure that the message you are sending is that entrepreneurship is gender neutral.”

For the study, Gupta and colleagues asked 469 undergraduate business students to read one of several articles about the qualities of successful entrepreneurs. In the control condition, the participants read a story that made no mention of gender. In the female stereotype condition, they discovered that humble, social, and caring people make good entrepreneurs. And in the gender-neutral condition, they learned that successful entrepreneurs show characteristics of both men and women, such as being creative, well-informed, and generous.

The researchers found that for women, entrepreneurial aspirations were highest after reading the gender-neutral story, which explicitly affirmed that gender does not matter in entrepreneurship. In contrast, women in the gender-free control condition had weaker intentions. “Even when you don’t say anything about gender, the first connection people make in their heads is with masculine characteristics,” Gupta explains. Women in the female stereotype condition had similarly lukewarm ambitions: “It may be that redefinition of a masculine stereotype as feminine is only possible when the alternative stereotype actually exists in society,” the authors write.

Although popular culture overwhelmingly depicts entrepreneurs as aggressive, risk-taking men, “it’s a myth that stereotypically male characteristics make you succeed,” says Gupta. To counteract these powerful messages, “we need to reach kids when they’re young and tell them that entrepreneurship is a good profession that men and women can do equally well. By the time they reach 19 or 20,” he adds, “it becomes more difficult to change their ideas about who can be an entrepreneur.”

From "Stanford Social Innovation Review", Winter 2009, Volume 7, Number 1.

Relatedness

2008-12-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

"Our relatedness brings us into reality, provided we are open to it. For instance, we prefer to avoid those people who annoy us, upset us, rub us the wrong way, push our buttons. Yet these are precisely the people who can help us grow. Our reaction to them exposes the egoism we try to hide, the fear we suppress, the spite we pretend isn't there. Let's ask ourselves, 'Who is the person I most hate to be around?' We need that very person in order to be real.

"Relationships show us what's truly happening in our life, if we have the courage to face it. They reveal this separate, unreal self of ours who wants to isolate us from the rest of the human race...There is no such thing as a solitary Christian."

- Terence Grant, The Silence of Unknowing

I am pleased to announce....

2008-12-01T13:22:00.001-08:00

...Teldon's newest magazine: Blush.

Now available at all Please Mum stores. For my lovely mom-friends:

Raise Your Voice

2008-11-27T13:40:00.000-08:00

Finally! The Voices for Bulembu campaign website is live. My favourite part? The trailer by that hot director.

Peaking

2008-11-26T22:08:00.001-08:00

I've always been a fan of radio. When I was 12 I would ride the bus from the outskirts of Winnipeg to my high school downtown. Wrapped in parka head-to-toe, I would clutch my yellow Sony sports walkman (you know you had one too) and listen to the radio for the 45 minute drive.

I quickly found out that my growing knowledge of popular music was my gateway to conversations with boys, like I needed a reason to listen to the radio anyways. I listened everyday and loved it. Somehow it made me feel independent.

Then I worked for a non-profit that produced daily radio shows. I produced a few of them myself and found out that the radio was still alive in kicking in the face of new media. In fact, women are the most common listeners of radio. It is the only kind of media they can easily use while doing other tasks.

Vancouver has disappointed me for a long time with its radio. X-FM 104.9 was my fave until it disappeared into elevator-music-land. We've been desolate for the past number of years. There's some recent light - The Peak 100.5. Not X-FM, but getting a bit closer.

2008-11-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

Hope

2008-11-17T23:57:00.000-08:00

Here is a video of my man talking to 24 hours about his new film--Rwanda: Hope Rises--premiering tonight at the Vancity Theatre:

http://www.vancouver.24hrs.ca/videos

Home

2008-11-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

"Large Americano?"

"Kelly!"

"How are you doing today?"

I've lived in the same neighbourhood for the past three years. I've probably had fleeting moments of feeling at home--ones that felt real at the time. But I've just realized that I really feel at home when I'm known. All of the statements above were said to me just now, at 9 a.m. on a Sunday morning when I walked in my scrubby morning clothes to grab a coffee. All within the space of 15 minutes.

It feels good.

Art to Live In

2008-11-06T20:45:00.000-08:00

Tonight I went to David Wilson's "Transitions" exhibition at the Atelier Gallery. This is art I could buy.

Or live in.

In fact I do. Much of his cityscape work includes views of South Granville--my neighbourhood for the past three years.

I love this art. Because it's personal, because it's my style and because it has a lot of red in it. I would have bought every piece there had I the money. Perhaps that takes care of my Christmas list?

Living Differently

2008-10-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

"What do you think your life will be like 10 years from now?"

That question made me shudder last night at the thought of being almost 40 at that time. Suddenly it feels like time is speeding faster than it once was and I'm grasping at it, trying to slow it down.

At 30 my parents already had two kids, a mortgage, two cars and a dog. My life couldn't be farther from that. I have my job, friends, my man, a car that is about to die and my apartment. And I like it. Something in me thinks I can avoid the cliches of life, the inevitable musts and responsibilities that define adulthood. But I fear it isn't possible.

I watch movies about love dying after time, of people regretting the paths they've chosen, and of mistakes made despite best efforts to avoid them. And I think, "Nah, that won't be me. That destiny is for other, more unconscious, dumb people."

While that is the very definition of pride, I still want to and think I can live differently. I want to defy the pull of the white picket fenced house and go for the "more" of life that I know must exist. I want to find out what living on the edge is like. I want to hold on to God because it's all I can trust. I want to do what isn't expected to find out if life really is better in it's other forms.

Or is this just being naive and irresponsible? Maybe. Maybe modern life is actually the best way to live. Just like democracy is the best form of government, even though it still has its inherent flaws.

All I know is that I feel like challenging everything. Challenging the classic path of growing up, getting hitched, buying a house, having kids, being involved in church, watching womens afternoon talk shows, going on a diet and buying anti-aging products.

So the question is: Can we avoid the expectations of adulthood? And, if we can, is that lifestyle better than typical adulthood?

Just do it

2008-09-18T16:57:00.000-07:00

I don't like loose ends. I like to know what is going on. And I don't like unclear goals or, well, anything that makes me feel stress.

I often spend a large chunk of my day getting ready to work. Not actually working, but getting ready to work. I write lists, determine priorities, gather supplies and information, and review my other lists to ensure I'm not missing anything. Sometimes I look back on a day and realize that I've actually done nothing. I've just gotten ready to do something.

Often, that is because I am waiting for the perfect conditions. I'm waiting to feel like I understand it all, like I know what I'm doing and that I have everything I need I've realized that this perfectionism is wasting my potential, our potential, the world's potential at fixing our problems.

All of us probably realized in our early 20's that there will never be a time again when our to do list has every box checked off. Life never stops and is always growing in complexity every day.

What I've been realizing lately is that I've just gotta start. Stop thinking so hard. Stop waiting for things to be ready. Stop looking for a blank slate to start from. Just start. Move. Try.

My boss calls this the "trickle down" method. Rather than starting something after you've calculated the whole plan, start to trickle out the project. Communicate a bit here, a bit there, and then suddenly...you're done.

For me it seems that it has taken almost 30 years for me to realize that none of us know what we are doing. That we are supposed to try, win and fail. That we are supposed to be ill-equipped. That we should welcome anyone's efforts regardless of the outcome. That we don't need to necessarily defend our actions when things don't turn out. That mistakes are really where the real living happens. And that admitting them doesn't change who you are.

Fear is a big part of this. There have been times during the past few weeks when fear felt insurmountable for the task at hand. When I spent time trying to get rid of fear, sometimes winning and sometimes losing the battle in my mind. But then I read this:

"Great acts of faith are seldom born out of calm calculation. It wasn't logic that caused Moses to raise his staff on the bank of the Red Sea. It wasn't medical research that convinced Naaman to dip seven times in the river. It wasn't common sense that caused Paul to abandon the Law and embrace grace.

"And it wasn't a confident committee that prayed in a small room in Jerusalem for Peter's release from prison. It was a fearful, desperate, band of backed-into-a-corner believers. It was a church with no options. A congregation of have-nots pleading for help.

"And never were they stronger.

"At the beginning of every act of faith, there is often a seed of fear." (Lucado)

Accept where you are and take a step to where you want to go. Scared? Good. Don't know what your second step will be? Who cares. Just start.

Still the same?

2008-09-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

Leadership has been a topic I've thought a lot about lately. Mostly because I have new leadership challenges in front of me - at work and in my personal life.

I read my dad's Leadership Journal when I was a wee thing, was a member of the youth group's leadership team and was praised for my leadership ability. The latter got old quick when I realized I was leading more often than not because people expected me to, not because I wanted to or because I necessarily cared about the goals.

Figuring out what to lead might be just as hard as learning how and actually leading. There are a few things I'm leading right now. Luckily I know the goal, which is sometimes half the battle. But I'm noticing that the way I've led for the past few years isn't working in the face of these new challenges. I'm looking around and I don't see enough followers.

So I'm getting back to the basics.

I picked up the quintessential book on leadership, John Maxwell's Developing the Leader Within You, in the hopes of being reminded of the important, rather than the urgent. The root of the book focuses on influence. You are a leader if you have influence. Influence only comes from people giving you permission to enter into a relationship with them to accomplish something together.

I've also been working lately on not caring what others think of me. If I had a dollar for every time I wondered what others thought of me, I would be as rich as Bill Gates. So I've gotten more honest. More unapologetic. More driven. More focussed on what I think is right to do, rather than what others think of me while I'm doing it. But that isn't leadership either.

Because to be a leader you have to care what others think. They have to want to have a relationship with you.

In fact, you might need to care more about that than the objectives of your own leadership. They have to want to follow you so you have to start with where they are.

Crap.

So, now what? You'd think that I have an answer to that question because this is the first time in months that I have posted here.

But I don't have an answer to that that I like yet. My answer for now is to keep praying, keep walking and keep hoping that there is more God in my leadership than there is me.

While reading Maxwell, I noticed pencil scribbles in the back inside cover. I'd really like to know when I made these scribbles. It would give some perspective of whether or not I am the same leader I was when I wrote it. It was a draft personal mission and list of values that I was once triggered to write down:

mission: To gather meaningful information on societal attitudes and activities in order to communicate and illuminate truth.

Values:

Detail: The whole picture
Cause: What is the root?
Think: Be still, then act
Others: Focus on others
Self: Love thy self

I'm still the same girl. What I'm doing isn't the same when I wrote that. But I still care about the same things. But I'm not the same leader I once was.

Now I am searching for a new definition of leadership. Not on the whole, but one for me. One that focusses on others and comes out of loving thy self. Or something like it...

Life as a control freak

2008-03-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am an 8. Huh? If you've heard of the Enneagram Test then you know what I am talking about. If not, then you must know that the Enneagram is a personality profile tool that has taught me a lot recently. I have learned that I like--and possibly need--to be in control, and that life feels completely wrong when I feel out of control. Of course, any mature person knows that we are never in control and that any feeling of control is always an illusion.

The more I live the more I realize that something completely unexpected is usually around the corner when it comes to your state of mind. Sheer confidence, total despair, absolute faith and complete boredom can come from nothing, something and anything. These feelings drive everything and they are possibly never our control. Feelings are illogical, reality confusing and your emotions may rarely match up to your day's events.

Our minds and psyches are so incredibly complex. I don't think we have a clue as to what is affecting us at any given moment. Our past, our families, our fears, insecurities and dreams propel us more than we realize. The key is to run towards these dynamics. When you cry, cry hard, seek answers and don't spend time trying to stop the tears. When you laugh, chuckle deeply in your gut like it's the last time you will. When you find someone that fills your soul and makes you better, tell them how much you care and don't let go. When you need help, make the call to the friend that you know will drop everything to be with you and make your day a little better.

I'm not sure what the point of this post is, but I enjoyed writing it and it's what my life is like right now. Despite my "8" nature, I'm out of control, hopefully in a good way, and I am trying to run towards the results of that and allow the fullness of who I am and who God is to shape me, without fear. Well not much fear anyways.

A true Sun-day

2008-02-24T17:10:00.000-08:00

Sundays may very well be my favorite day of the week. The scrappy hairstyles, the casual clothes, the brunch and the clear schedule. Everything is slower, like a long exhale before the big gulp of Monday.

Today was such a day, full of sun and long strides. First I had a Barney's brunch with my favorite person. Either side of said brunch was filled with a quick walk and repeated, "I can't believe how beautiful it is outside." I then watched a lame chick flick because, well, do I need a reason?

A gigantic intelligentsia americano accompanied my Elizabeth Gilbert was required because staying awake to all hours talking to my favorite person is apparently my new hobby. A gorgeous perusal in my favorite store down the road then made me happy more than anything material likely should.

Most of my Sundays are then capped off with phone calls to, well, everyone close to me, and a simple dinner that usually involves a bagel or soup. Today is just the same.

And you think I didn't go to church.

Stuck?

2008-02-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

I wish that God's truth stuck, that lessons from God only had to be learned once. I feel so often like I start from scratch in my Christian walk every day. One day my identity is solid, sealed and complete. The next I am a baby, clinging to compliments and external affirmation. What exactly triggers this regression, I wonder?

I suppose our lives change externally so quickly that it would be silly to think that we don't have to relearn for a new reality each step of the way. What I do know is that God knows what he is doing, and he won't stop working until I am a finished, a new creation. The great part is that he is faithful and he will do it.

A different kind of trip...

2008-02-06T23:17:00.000-08:00

This is our third full day in Bulembu. It's been quite an experience so far, almost completely different than we expected. The cultural barriers are more strong than I would have thought. My interviews have been sufficient, but disappointing. I've actually been quite emotional about it, wanting so badly to connect on a personal level with the people. Unfortunately I don't feel like I've developed any kind of connection with them. A lot of it is the language barriers and the lack of ability by the Swazi people to communicate emotion in English. A sample:

"What was life like when the mine left?"

"hard."

"Tell me about that. What made it hard?"

"difficult"

"what was different after the mine left compared to before?"

"we had no jobs"

Duhhh....I could have told you that. So I ask you to pray for more descriptive interviews.

Trevor's photos have also posed challenges. Swazi people, for some reason, are very stoic when they know their photo is being taken. They don't understand the concept of acting normally and going about their business while Trevor does his thing. They are always stiff, conscious of us because they aren't used to having cameras around.

Transport has also been a problem. Every shot opportunity is quite far from the other, requiring more coordination than we would have thought. Unfortunately candid shots are therefore harder to come by. Of course Trevor's photos are amazing regardless and the calendar is going to be great.

On Tuesday we went to see the Chief of Malanda, the region Bulembu sits within. We scheduled an appointment with him and, when we arrived to his house on the hill, he told us he only had twenty minutes. The man has 26 children and numerous wives. He is chief because his father and grandfather were both chiefs. He called the King of Swaziland when Bulembu was in trouble and got them food in 2001. Most days are spent listening to people's grievances. A community judge of sorts.

Today I am interviewing a teacher, a plumber and a housekeeper. We are going to take a wee midday break at some point to rest. We are quite tired today and I am sunburnt to a crisp. Hopefully some time at the school with the cute kids will raise my spirits :)

2008-01-26T12:52:00.000-08:00

Travel is a drug. And I'm addicted. This is humorous to me since, as of four months ago, I had never left the continent. I mean, come on, I'm one of those people that used to pray that I wouldn't be called into missions work.

I returned from Scotland and was surprised at the post-travel mood that I've only just shook off two weeks after returning home. Scotland was euphoric, Swaziland mystical and Vancouver...suddenly too known.

The only thing that's kept me going suddenly is the fact that I'm going to Swaziland again in a week. I fear that this new discovery--a love for foreign lands--has irreversibly changed me. Now days home must be intermingled with the hope of an approaching trip.

I grew up moving every few years. Texas, New York, Boston, Winnipeg, Calgary, California and Vancouver. I remember leaving university, looking forward to having 100% control over where I lived. A few years ago I realized I crossed the mark where Vancouver is the place I've lived the longest. That used to be a dream.

Now, I find myself constantly looking at photos of recent adventures, dreaming of how different life could be. I used to be addicted to routine, now I get depressed at the thought.

The hopeful lesson that has come from this is that we can change. A belief I have to cling to: that people can change, that anything can change.

So, what's next?

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

2008-01-22T15:51:00.000-08:00

Emotions are fickle. Without much logic, I find that they control most things. Strip off the layers of logic—psueudo or real—and you will find nothing but emotional drivers.

My "I am woman, hear me roar/I can do anything boys can do, I can do it better" pride and shit-filled mantra from my childhood is usurped every day by my emotions, female emotions at that. I once said to my boss, "Give it to me straight. Leave the suger-coating off and give it to me raw." I cried the very next day in front of that same boss. Emotions are ran from and hidden, but they always play a starring role, whether it is in the conclusion or in the sequel.

All you males out there know, however, that emotions—though possibly different in flavour—are just as powerful. Whether it be ego, anger or envy, male emotions are equally as powerful drivers at the boardroom table and the kitchen table. Often masked more often with logic, the emotions are still just as powerful. Lucky for you, your emotions are actually socially acceptable in the workforce. If I have my way, however, emotional leadership is the next cultural wave.

Ironically emotions are fickle and forming all at the same time. While always a result of something real, and often logic free, they are filled with a power to form everything. They form our mood, our priorities, our work, our health and our relationships.

So the question is: how atuned are you to your emotions? Are you listening to them? Are they a priority? Do you sit in them, like one savours a cup of morning coffee, and feel them to the end?

Everything Must Change

2008-01-20T16:34:00.000-08:00

Brian McLaren has a new book called "Everything Must Change". I have not read it yet, though the title intrigues me. The title presupposes that there is a goal to be met, a standard that, once reached, all is well.

I remember the day I realized I was living for a standard that didn't exist. Still in my striving days, I remember talking out loud about why I had never experienced freedom, realizing that it was because I was striving towards a personal perfection that didn't exist.

Though linked to personal standards, McLaren's title tips me towards thinking he is suggesting that there is a communal standard. I don't think such a standard exists. A stasis that makes one act worthy and the other not. A goal that, to be Christian, one must know and constantly work towards.

This is all somehow linked to absolute truth. Ironically, I believe in absolute truth. I also absolutely believe that we can't know absolute truth here on earth. Because sometimes a lie is okay, swearing necessary and stealing just. Not to mention that none of us can prove anything exists, that we are here right now, that here exists as we know it.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I think that striving, while not the point, is still required. That we all must still strive for ultimate goals that don't exist. That there are problems that have to be solved. That the work isn't done. I suppose that makes all of it about the means, not the end. Since the end doesn't, in essence, exist.

I still don't know what to do when we realize that there is no standard here on earth. Or how exactly to have hope if any kind of preconceived fake standard isn't possible.

I guess I should just read the book.

Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

2008-01-19T19:21:00.000-08:00

Today I took my wee friend Jared (a.k.a. my friend Meg's son) to see some vegetable pirates. Auntie Kelly just wouldn't have lived up to her rep as the cool urban aunt if she hadn't brought pirate eye-patches for the show!

2008-01-12T14:00:00.001-08:00

Action. It's a new revelation of mine that I am addicted to action. I spend my days going to meetings with action points already in hand, with all the research done and with all the counter-arguments prepared. If I'm not acting, my mind must be. If we didn't come to more action points through discussion, then the agenda was not met.

Then there is the church meeting.

Inaction. There is a lot of smiling, staring and seemingly invaluable comments, to be crass. We all talk about how we know one another, what we might do and how cold it is outside. I am left wanting. What did we accomplish? A whole lot of snack eating and a whole lot of nothing.

My boyfriend says that I drive like I live. Go, go, go, go, go, go....STOP!!!!! It's action that I am addicted to, immediately just before it hurts me. Besides restoration and thinking, is there really any valuable to inaction?

The perfect holiday...

2008-01-10T04:12:00.000-08:00

It's 3 a.m. I've just returned from Scotland and I must admit that I am incredibly sad. It was the perfect trip and suddenly anything less adventurous is equally less appealing. Scotland was beautiful, full of history and friendly people. It was also wet and terribly cold. But nothing could stop us from exploring the countryside and good friends.

Day 1: Glasgow

Dean, Amanda, Trev, Ali, Dianna and me took the train to Glasgow, Scotland's biggest city. My favourite moment had to be chats and laughs at Strata, a great cocktail lounge where we, ironically, sipped pints. We then went for a glorious dinner in a room full of chandeliers and gourmet burgers and chips.

* All photos taken by Trevor Meier

Day 2: Aberdeen

Snow beckoned us to stay close to home. A wander through Aberdeen and two trips to starbucks led us to Kileu, a great cafe with Trevor's favourite food as of late: crepes. We sat, had serious and intense conversation (Trevor and my favourite past time) which led to a perusal of Aberdeen's Art Gallery. It was an impressive collection and Louise Hopkins is a new favourite.

Day 3 & 4: Edinburgh

Trev and I headed off on our own to Edinburgh, Scotland's hippest city. I'm pretty sure I've never seen so many restaurants in one place. We trekked up the Royal Mile and through Edinburgh Castle. A fabulous cafe called Always Sunday became our favourite. I highly recommend the chocolate chip shortbread and hot chocolate eaten while playing Truth or Dare.

Day 5: Old Aberdeen

Dean, Amanda, Trev and I trekked to Old Aberdeen which included the beautiful University of Aberdeen, Seaton Park and incredibly picturesque neighbourhoods that made me feel like I was in the movies. Just like Kate Winslet's home in the Cotswalds in The Holiday. We then had smashingly good burgers - mine Hawaiian - and chips (aka fries or Scotland's salad) and cokes at a great pub I wish I could remember the name of. Great conversation on church, psychology and family made those chips taste even better. An evening visit to Gerrard Street Baptist Church capped off a great sabbath.

Day 6: Stonehaven

The small fishing village of Stonehaven paved the way for a romantic jaunt to the Stonehaven War Memorial and Dunnotar Castle. It was an incredible hike that made Trevor and I reflect how incredibly blessed we are to have the chance to see such sites.

Day 7: Aberdeenshire

A lovely lunch with my mates, speed shopping with lovely finds and a fantastically long authentic Indian dinner surrounded a - let's say brisk - walk through Footdie. Footdie being Aberdeen's original village, quite literally a small town on an incredibly beautiful beach that revealed just how short the original Aberdeeners were. The doors on each home were oh so hobbit size. We enjoyed the day so much that we didn't even let the weather stop us. Here we are as a happy crew of drowned rats...

You simply must go to Scotland if given the chance. A good chunk of time is certainly required. A huge thank you to Dean and Amanda for the oh so perfect accomodations and being our pseudo travel guides. I miss you both!

Chesed

2007-11-11T18:46:00.000-08:00

"The Hebrew word "Chesed," narrowly described as "love," is a large word. No single word in our language is adequate to translate it, so we revert to the use of adjectives to bring out the distinctive quality and broad reach of this love: steadfast love, loyal love, covenant love. What we're after is an understanding that retains the affection and desire and intimacy that commonly go with love, as we sometimes experience it as parents and children, "lovers" and friends, but now amalgamated with the stability, dependability, unswerving commitment and steady reliability that we so commonly find wanting in ourselves and others. "Chesed" is often used in the biblical revelation to designate God's love. But, we, as humans, who have been created in the image of God, are also capable of loving this way, even though we never seem to get very good at it. "Chesed" is love without regard to shifting circumstances, hormones, emotional states, and personal convenience. This is the kind of love with which 'God so loved the world...'" - Eugene Peterson in Leap Over a Wall

I saw what I saw

2007-11-03T18:31:00.000-07:00

Those that know me really well know that I am an avid listener to the Relevant Magazine Podcast. It makes me giggle every single time, keeps me informed on some things I wouldn't otherwise know about and, when serious, hits on topics I think about often.

If you aren't a subscriber, you can subscribe through iTunes for free. Sara Groves was featured on the October 19th edition and she sang an incredibly beautiful song that you simply must check out. Lyrics below:

I Saw What I Saw

by Sara Groves

I saw what I saw and I can't forget it

I heard what I heard and I can't go back

I know what I know and I can't deny it

something on the road, cut me to the soul

your pain has changed me

your dream inspires

your face a memory

your hope a fire

your courage asks me what I'm afraid of

and what i know of love

we've done what we've done and we can't erase it

we are what we are and it's more than enough

we have what we have but it's no substitution

something on the road, cut me to the soul

I say what i say with no hesitation

I have what I have but I'm giving it up

I do what I do with deep conviction

something on the road, cut me to the soul

your courage asks me what I'm afraid of

your courage asks me what I am made of

your courage asks me what I'm afraid of

and what I know of love

and what I know of God

2007-10-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

"That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in and out of the wind." - C.S. Lewis

Truth Always Wins

2007-10-20T14:45:00.000-07:00